I know I haven’t written in a while. The last few days have been pretty stressful. Seems like I’ve messed up a lot. Some serious discussions, unhappy and stress-filled. Not much I can really share. Not much that really makes much sense when I’m in the middle of the moment. It’s sad and very scary. It’s incredibly possible I may have learned my lesson. If only just to bite my tongue and shut the fuck up.
I still don’t think I’ve solved my motivation problem. It’s unclear I’ve learned what I need to learn not to continue to make the same or similar mistakes. What annoys me the most is it really seems like the thing that motivates me the most is when I get in trouble. This is a serious problem. I don’t want to be in trouble to get motivated and I don’t want him to have to yell at me to get me to want to be productive and dedicated. So what does that leave me with? There has to be a better way. A different way that gets the same results. Thoughts would be extremely helpful.
Comments
2 responses to “Life in the dog house”
Try thinking in terms of differnt parts of you wanting different things. If you consistently behave in some way then there is possibly a part of you controling that behavior. That part is triggered by some outside event or circumstance. Assume the part that is “getting you into trouble” has a positive intention. When this part was created its behavior got something for you that you neeed. As you have changed this part has continued to do the same thing – the only thing it knows to do to get this good for you. The fact that it doesn’t work or that it is pissing off every oher part of you doesn’t matter – it does what it has to do, what it knows to do. One answer is to try and communicate with this part and find out what its positive intention is and then teach it a better way to achieve this intention. Try to work with all the parts inside you in a positive way, assume they are trying to do good things for you. Try to harmonize the interactions between the parts so that they begin to act in concert, all moving in one direction. You may also need to work on the part of you that wants to accomplish things – is there any downside of this part? What would happen if you accomplished your goals? What would change? An example is a person who loses weight and then attracts attention fromthe opposite sex. That attention can be terrifying and lead to abandoning the diet and gaining back all the weight ‘cos its a lot safer that way.
KImi,
Your comments broke my heart. I wish there was something I could say to you that would be THE magic pill or THE magic answer that will make it work for you. Instead, I am going to go all zen and share a story with you. Once there was a baby eagle accidently dropped in a chicken yard. The eagle grew to be a fine beautiful bird but spent all his days scratching in the dirt, like a chicken. One day he looked up and saw a beautiful eagle soaring through the skies. He looked back down and began to scratch in the dirt again. He did this because he thought he was a chicken and never had an inkiling that indeed, he was an eagle.
Am I comparing you to a chicken? Not at all. Of cource, I am comparing you to the eagle with the limited worldview. Given, I have only the limited glimpses of you through what you choose to share through your site. But I believe I have a small sense of who you are and some of the demons you face. I can tell you over the years I have followed your journey, I see many of the same demons. I have seen you lament like this more than once, Kimi. Is it possible for you to be as empathetic with yourself as you are with others? You are the only one who can unlock the mystery of why you go down the same path over and over again when you know that path causes you such misery and despair. There are really only one of 2 reasons why anyone acts in a destructive manner. That person is either avoiding something or protesting something. You must find out if you are avoiding or protesting then face it.
Just my 2 cents,
Fondly,
Belle