I realized this morning on my way to my Drs’ offices, I didn’t want to be an adult. I wanted to cry and whine and complain and have someone hug me and go “Aww…it’s ok. I’ll fix it.” I’m not saying I’m never an adult and I’m not saying I’m always a child about things…but this is the first time I “recognized” what I was doing.
Somewhere, I grew up thinking that it was not only ok to share everything that’s going on in your life with people but that if they cared about you…they’d be there for you all the time to listen and not require you to pay credit for it. That you didn’t have to keep some things to yourself and deal with it…your self. That’s pretty funny considering my past friend track record.
I want to share everything. I want to talk about everything that goes on in my head. I want someone to give me the answer. Sometimes I want someone to go “yeah me too!”. I want people to know how hard it is to go what I’m going through at times. I forget that they are going through a special kind of hell of their own. That they are trying to deal just like me. I never see the majority of people I know cry or break down or go through problems so I assume they either don’t go through problems or can’t understand what it’s like. What I never thought about was that these people…have issues and are dealing with it…themselves.
I think everyone has one or two people they can really trust…and count on. But the majority of issues they keep to themselves and they deal with…themselves. This is something I’m trying to learn to do (add that to the growing list). But aside from that I’ve found that there are a few people I want to be there for myself. I’ve managed to be a rock in the past for some people and I’d like to be a rock in the future if they’ll let me. I don’t know that there is a point to all this…I just realized there are people I care about who’ve been struggling to hold me above water even as they themselves were sinking and there have been times where I wasn’t even trying to doggy paddle. To you guys…thank you and I’ll work harder on my swimming and helping you swim too if you let me.