As I sat on the bench yesterday talking to one of the mother’s at karate I happened to notice one of the little boys who I have “adopted”. I do that now and then with particular students. One of them shows such strength, intelligence, sense of humor, and …vulnerability that my heart kind of reaches out to them. I often wonder if that’s the extent of my “mothering instinct” that refuses to be ignored. Nothing in me wants to have my own children. But I can’t help the fact that there are students at school that make me smile when they do well and dissapoint me when they don’t try as hard as I know they should.
So this one little boy…he’s the newest in the class. He’s like five and slightly heavy and trying his fricken guts out. The ab exercises always get him. Several times he’s been pushing so hard that he’s red in the face and he’s just on the edge of breaking down while he trys so hard not to. I’ve managed quite a few times to talk him through it, remind him to breath, encourage him to keep going, high five him when he’s gotten through it.
Yesterday I saw him about ready to crack while I was talking to one of the mothers and I pretty much got up in the middle of the converstation to go help him. I wasn’t changed since I wasn’t staying very long so I couldn’t go on the floor. I still had my boots on so I knelt at the edge of the floor (good thing he’s at the far back) just behind him while he was laying on the floor covering his face to hide the tears and breath through his pain and frustration. I started reminding him to breath and that it would be ok and that he was doing good, teasing him about his face being red and gave him a high five when he finished a set. He started to calm down and work hard without needing to break. I was really proud of him.
I wonder sometimes if years from now he’ll remember the one “teacher” at karate school who helped him stay sane. I doubt it but it’s a nice thought. The mother’s tell me I’m really good with the kids. They always encourage me when I feel bad that I’m yelling at their kids or giving them tons of pushups for being bad or getting an answer wrong. Several of them have MADE their children come and apologize to me when they’ve mouthed off to me and I’ve done my best not to take it personally. This is the reason I don’t mind going to teach for all that I complain about it.
I realized earlier while I was deciding what to write about today that this outlook I have towards the kids isn’t only for the kids. It’s for my friends and the people I care about. My therapist and psychiatrist told me last week that “selfish” isn’t a word they’d use to describe me when I told them I felt like I was. When I look at some of the things I ask for or want from people around me. Daddy went so far as to say he didn’t see me as selfish as much as self-centered. We all know I get me-centric alot. ๐ So maybe I’m not selfish but sometimes I still think I am.
Don’t know if there was a point but I thought I’d share.