Focusing…

You may notice (or not) a change in my header. I went from “illusive lucidity” to “it hurts to be beautiful”. I wanted to find something that summed up why I keep this site, like “ if the collar fits” does for her site. It took me a while to come up with this and I’m not totally sure it says it all but it’s suppose to sum up that my main goals are to work hard on becoming a better person (in all aspects of my life) and that it’s usually not very easy for me to achieve this goal. That this blog is a result of me talking about those things and how I’m getting there, etc. It’s also something my mom always use to say to me when I complained about how much the tangle in my hair hurt while trying to get them out. Kinda like “suck it up and stop complaining”. So…there ya go.

So far today…I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m not going to dwell on how sad it is ‘why’ I’m proud of myself…I’m just going to “be”. Had to start my count over again today. Part of me is very unhappy about it. Part of me is happy that it happened because I felt like some things got accomplished and figured out. I feel like a blind person who’s walking through a house they’ve lived in all their life but is SURE someone moved all the furniture.

Some of the things I’m proud of:

• waking up from taking a nap
• working out for 15 mins when I was only striving for 10
• having a sucessful talk about some hard thing without loosing my tone
• starting some very important things in order to accomplish some of my goals
• figuring the fuck out what my main goal is

Today’s applicable lyrics. For those of you who like to try and figure out why the lyrics I put up apply to my life, all I’m going to say is keep in mind that the POV’s shift in this song for me.

This is how a heart breaks – Rob Thomas

Don’t you wanna go for a ride

Just keep your hands inside

And make the most out of life

Now don’t you take it for granted

Life is like a mean machine

It made a mess outta me

It left me caught between

Like an angry dream I was stranded

And I’m steady but I’m starting to shake

And I don’t know how much more I can take

This is it now

Everybody get down

This is all I can take

This is how a heart breaks

You take a hit now you feel it break down

Make you stay wide awake

This is how a heart breaks

Don’t you wanna go for a ride

Down to the other side

Feels so good you could cry

Now won’t you do what I told you

I remember when you used to be shy

Yeah, once we were so fine

You and I why you gotta make it so hard on me

And I’m sorry but it’s not a mistake

And I’m running but you’re getting away

You’re not the best thing that I knew

Never was never cared too much

For all this hanging around

It’s just the same thing all the time

Never get what I want

Never get too close to the end of the line

You’re just the same thing that I knew back before the time

When I was only for you

This is it now

Everybody get down

This is all I can take

This is how a heart breaks

You take a hit now you feel it break down

Make you stay wide awake

This is how a heart breaks