For a few days now I’ve been doing well. Despite spending time text messaging and talking to a friend on the phone I’ve kept my head on right and I’ve kept my priorities straight. I guess it couldn’t last forever. It’s not what you did in the past it’s what you do in the future. Blah….I feel like my futures are all ways going to be mirrors of my past.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
When life is going well…the little things don’t matter. When life goes bad…all those little things that didn’t matter…come back and bite you in the ass. Hard!\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n
Today my machine bit it. Last night while I was running Second Life it froze so I stopped playing SL thinking that since they had a new client coming that was the issue. Today after I got up from my nap at 4:30 I started doing work and it froze again. I rebooted it and the slowness of it and other things raised a red flag and I knew things were going down hill fast. I begged my machine not to do this to me. Daddy wasn’t feeling well and I knew that if my machine died not only would it be bad for me and work as well as free time, but it would cause serious issues with Daddy, his stress, his sickness, and his work. My machine didn’t listen and I apparenty didn’t think things through enough.<\/p>\n
After Daddy told me to just reboot it, that it would be fine and seemed not to be concerned to much about it I did what he said and then when it came back up as slow as\u00c2\u00a0a slug and then reboot itself I just turned the machine off because he’d mentioned the power supply and I thought I’d give it time to cool down until Daddy got back up. After this I preceeded to call my friend. This is one of those little things. Had life gone well….it would have been a non issue. But life didn’t go well.<\/p>\n
Later when Daddy got up and I had gotten him food I asked him to turn it back on to see what he got. Machines don’t always work well for me so maybe they’d work for him. When it completely failed to even boot…the shit hit the fan. Why hadn’t I told him after it restarted? Why didn’t I mention it when he came at 7pm to tell me he was sleeping 30 more mins? Why didn’t I mention it when we discussed food? Why did I get on the phone instead of thinking about what kind of things I might be able to do should the shit hit the fan like calling Maingear to find out how late they were open or when our warrenty ran out.<\/p>\n
It only took 30 mins to discuss all that. I only interrupted a few time because I insisted words like “reboot” and “froze” were important enough to change the fact that I failed to put his priorities above of mine. He even allowed me a hint that if I didn’t act like a child and argue and cry that maybe it would prove to him that I might learn something to prevent it happening again and that some of the things he’d allowed me recently could continue. I was able to pull myself together quickly so that I did just that. Motivation is a wonderful thing. Particular motivations seem to be helping.<\/p>\n
He dismissed me and I when I got my crap fully together I put cloths away, made the bed, and wrote him an appology note. I got the laptop out and started doing some of the work I knew he’d want done.<\/p>\n
It’s going to be such a long nite. My head hurts and I’m heart sick for several reasons. Mostly because everytime I think I learn and remake a mistake I loose more faith in myself. I know I’ve made improvements…I know I’ll continue to do so…what I’m afraid of is that I’ll wreck all the good things in my life.
\nFear is the mind killer.<\/p>\n
Reassurance..hugs…nice words…those will help when they come.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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