For a few weeks I’ve been meaning to write but for various reasons I haven’t. I was busy with karate. I was tired. I was lacking motivation. I didn’t want to try and spindle out what was in my head onto paper. But I think I can do it now. At least…I’m gonna try.<\/p>\n
This is deep so get out the hip waders.
\n<\/p>\n
A few of my friends call me the Queen of Avoidance. I’m really good at just avoiding anything that I don’t particularly want to deal with. I see it. I recognize it. I shove it aside and sometimes I come back and revisit it. Mostly I just let it go.<\/p>\n
I realized a few weeks ago while I was analyzing myself where this habit came from. I learned to do it for two reasons.<\/p>\n
1) When I first got here and I was being physically punished for mistakes there came a period where it was not practical to punish me immedately. Sometimes I would make a mistake and it would take up to a week to find the opportunity for my punishment. During that time I would pretty much spend that week making both myself and Daddy miserable because I was stuck on my mistake and his displeasure. Worry, guilt, shame, self-recrimination would eat at me until I could be “forgiven”. It became clear that this was not helpful. Aside from making us both miserable, I couldn’t concentrate, I would make more mistakes, and I was fairly useless at my job. So I learned to put it aside. Make the mistake, feel bad, and then put it away because there was work to be done and being a wreck was not helping.<\/p>\n
I’ve gotten quicker at it as the years have gone on. When we went to Atlantic City for the karate diner (yeah sorry if I forgot to mention we did that) a week ago it came time to leave and we realized we didn’t have the key to the rented jeep. Guess who’s world instantly fell apart? I freaked out for about 10 seconds over what that meant and then shoved it aside to be dealt with later, after I’d found the key. I’ve gotten good enough that when I do manage to fall apart over it, I’m absconsed away privately to deal with it so it’s minimal drama on everyone. After we found the key (thank god), I wasn’t so smooth because it was such a huge fricken error but the point is…well you get the point.<\/p>\n
2) When I was learning to deal with the bulk of my jealousy I was very much focused on what I wanted vs what I needed. Sometimes I would get angry or resentful. Along the way for that too, I started “picking my battles”. I would look at what I was upset about and decide how much it mattered in the bigger picture. Was this something I really wanted to go to the wall on? Most the time, I let it go and told myself if I was still angry about it in say a week I’d say something. Usually after a week I forgot exactly what I’d been upset about. We won’t talk about the repression issue of this. We’re simply talking about my avoidance mechanism.<\/p>\n
I need to think on it more to decide how useful some of the avoidance is and what might need to be tweeked because it’s unhealthy but I was particularly interested in this little discovery.<\/p>\n
Another discovery I had just this very morning was on the issue of feeling bad\/guilt and how to manage it or (lol) let it go. Occasionally I feel very guilty because I want\/need to sleep (more then a normal person). Or I’ll feel bad about something I’ve done.<\/p>\n
I came to the conclusion this morning that while I obviously need to try not to make the mistakes or work harder to overcome any personal quirks like the urge to sleep…if I can look around my world and decide that I’m keeping my eye on my priorities and the ball then I shouldn’t condem myself too badly.<\/p>\n
So for example: I’ve been working really hard to help Daddy run the school while my Sensei has been gone. I took his pants to be hemmed without needing to be reminded. I’ve kept up the rooms and am up on the accting and bills. I’m making progress with my podcasts, and I’ve specifically gotten myself out of bed to do work. I’ve been working on a plan to work out and write more. I’ve been trying to make sure Daddy has everything he needs while he’s slaving away on his contracts.<\/p>\n
I’d be able to claim happiness in my duties if I hadn’t have totally failed to make sure the sandwhiches he took to work were actually his. *hits head on desk but chuckles*<\/p>\n
Those are my deep thoughts for this month.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
For a few weeks I’ve been meaning to write but for various reasons I haven’t. I was busy with karate. I was tired. I was lacking motivation. I didn’t want to try and spindle out what was in my head onto paper. But I think I can do it now. At least…I’m gonna try. This […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4153"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4153"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4153\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4153"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4153"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/kimiko-dreams-com.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4153"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}