Ok so maybe I spoke too soon. A few days ago I wrote about how happy I was that I was doing fairly well in karate. That I hadn’t gotten hassled to much, blah blah blah. Yeah…ok so maybe I was wrong. Monday night was a nightmare. So many unhappy thoughts about what amounted to an hour and 15 mins. It makes me wonder if I have small premonitions in a way. Sunday I was horribly anxious all day and night. Monday afternoon it started up again and I just wanted to find a hole and hide. Then I wanted to fade out of existence so I couldn’t feel the anxiety in my hole. I dealt though and got to karate.
The first two classes were ok. Nothing big. A little bit of joking with Sensei, mostly just me being quiet and unobtrusive. And then it was our turn. Let me start off by saying that I am third in line aside from Daddy and Sensei B. It goes K, then M, then me, etc. We line up in order of rank and who’s been there the longest in that rank.
I was still sore from Thursday and Friday’s abs, arms, and squats but was feeling mostly ok. I got through the vast majority of the abs ok and even the extra ones he threw in. But then we came to the pushups. He added a ton and my arm wasn’t helping. I started getting weepy but kept my face down and just bit through it. And then he said “ok we’re going to pushup, clap your hands once, and then land again before you do it again.” I’m like…”not a chance in hell am I going to try that with my arm hurting like it does and still have to fight later”. It came through in my shaking head, and my set features. Nope…no sir, I didn’t like it. Sadly, Sensei was in front and watching. At the time he kinda blew it off in amusement and said “you might be doing it but we are”. I tried one and landed on my face before I could even lift my hands up. I did the rest of them by just doing a full pushup each time. I was still weepy and upset.
I think back on it and now and am not sure why I was crying. I don’t remember my head hurting badly. I don’t remember the pain in my arm. I don’t remember feeling particularly persecuted. But there I was, wiping away tears one after another. I was to much in my own little world to be ashamed of crying infront of the guys. ( i know, i know…I shouldn’t feel that way….I can’t explain why it’s important to me that they respect me and not think i’m a weepy girl)
When he let us get up off the floor to finish our ’45’ min workout that should have been 15 he proceeded to yell at me and tell me how disappointed in me he was that I said no and shook my head at him. “Me of all people…” Ug…did you have to say disappointed? I kept my head down, I said yes sir, I still had tears and I cussed at him inside my head a few times. He made some mention about how he was going to put me and M in the back row because if we couldn’t be an inspiration to the belts behind us maybe they would be to us. I confirmed later that I am in deed being put in the very back of the class (last in line) until some unknown determined date in the future. I feel like I did when I got my collar taken away for being bad so long ago.
I ended up having 4 fights even though my arm hurt. Daddy said I looked good against K. After class Sensei said he couldn’t believe I’d given up and I wanted to shout “I never gave up…I did everything you asked!” but he was kinda right. I couldn’t help but ask him if he saw that I had done everything else and he admitted that he had. But he just didn’t want me to quit in my mind before my body did. Ok I can do that. When I pass out on your floor remember what ya said.
We drove him home and I even gave him a smile as he left. He said he was going to make me buff and look great in a bikini. I mutter under my breath, “you’re going to hate it when I have a navel ring,” and Daddy laughed and said he fully supported me in getting one when it was time.
I still feel badly that I cried. I want to go in and apoligize to the guys but they wouldn’t know why or what to say. I wish I could ask them what they think when the see that. One of the guys I’d had a fight with knew that my arm was hurt after our fight and asked me quietly if I was ok. I just started ahead and said “i’m fine.” No one gave me pitying looks that I saw or treated me any differently when we all left for the night so I guess they didn’t feel like they had to tip toe around me. Daddy said he was proud of me and he has been very sweet and supportive even as we both moan and groan about how sore we are.
I’ve been doing pushups every hour and will continue to until I do better. Right now it feels like I’ll never be able to do more then 10 without them hurting. I made a Dr. apt to see about my headaches and my arm. I’ll try therapy to help for my test and hopefully we can get the headaches under control again. I’m also keeping a calendar of my headaches.
I’m in an ok mood but I’m tired and my head hurts and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I wanted to work out today and I’m still trying to get myself to do it. Maybe if I allow myself to completely flake AFTER I work out it’ll be ok.
:sigh: Oh well. Wish me luck on Thursday.