So this week has been full of ups and downs. It’s felt like one big roller-coaster ride that I seriously wanted to get off of. You know roller-coasters though…once you are on you have to stay there till the end.
I got a little bit of shocking news at the beginning of the week that I was totally unprepared for that knocked me on my ass. It’s changed the dynamics of one of my relationships and I’m not quite sure where it leaves me standing. Hopefully, while it puts a damper on things, only a few of the aspects of the relationship have to change. I’d hate to see a really great thing turn bad, especially when it’s made such a good impact on my life.
Because I’ve had to do a lot of thinking this week to set my balance back, it’s left me with a lot of discoveries.
* There are activities I enjoy doing and I shouldn’t stop them. Like writing, reading, dancing, flirting, going out in social spaces.
* When I’m involved in those activities my outlook and my attitude change dramatically and people not only want to be around me…I want to be around me too!
* There are goals in my life I want to achieve and they haven’t changed. I want to be able to stay at home and work on my writing or tarot. To be able to f*ck off if I want, or get down to business when it’s needed. I want to write a book and go to Cons like DragonCon, etc and be on panels to talk about my book or writing or things like vampires,etc. I want to be able to go out and dance and flirt and be the person I am when I’m confident. I want to learn how to bellydance and be able to buy and outfit to wear to DragonCon so I can dance in the drum circle. I want to keep ground-fighting and be able to do that in the future with someone who can play wrestle. I want to have a kicken body that makes both men and women want me, and gets me the things I deserve and have been craving. I want to have hot, steamy mind-blowing sex and kinky activities that make me weak in the knees. I want to be able to hang out and watch my favorite sci-fi/supernatural/reality shows when the mood hits/I have time or chill out and read great urban fantasy. I want to go out to action movies when they come out or go to a book store and spend hours looking at all the books I want. I want to have girl’s nights out and giggle, gossip, vent, and listen with my best friend. I want to have a snuggle buddy or two. I want to have a trans bf cause I think transguys are hot and not cause people think I’m a tranny-chaser. I want to go to bdsm events and have fun, not just work. LOL There are so many more things I want, some realistic, others nothing but fantasy….but at least I know what I want. 🙂
The only other realization I made this week is that there are a lot of people who underestimate me or have the wrong impression of who I am. And the only thing that will change their minds about it….is proof in action. I may not like how long it takes to prove it….but I know I’m capable of proving it…..just like I did last night when I not only got a strong talented guy off me but held the same guy down who had to cheat to get out. Hearing the people around you cheer and be amazed when they didn’t know you were like that…is awesome!