I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life tonight. I had to tell someone that I care about that we couldn’t work on being anything to each other if they couldn’t work on getting their life together first. All other issues between us aside….what matters most to me is their survival. If it didn’t matter to me I wouldn’t have put so much time and energy into trying to get past my own issues and help them with theirs.
What sucks is that their life is complete disarray. And I feel like shit for having taken an already seriously fucked up situation and made it worse in order to try and help it get better. They won’t and don’t see it that way. They think this is about other things. No one they tell about what happened will see how hard I am trying to help them…they’ll just think a bitch dumped her friend in their worst time of need. Being someone who cares so much about what people think, especially those she cares about…this feels like cutting off my own arm to save my hand. I know…drama. But it’s my blog and I have a little say over what I write. (look a joke!)
I’ve promised this person that I will be there when I can for them. That I will never give up hope or faith in them. That if they get their life together, I’ll be here. But I simply can’t sit here and allow someone to drown reaching for a rubber duck when they should be reaching for the rope.
This person threw back up at me a comment I made to them in the past. I had said that I felt like some of the people in my past who I cared about, and thought cared about me…gave up on me when I wasn’t on my meds. I realize now…that there is a possiblity that they were trying to help me by forcing me to focus on the realities of my situation. I can sit here now…and say that that makes it hurt a little less.
All I can really do right now is hope that when things are better for my friend…they’ll see that more then anything I was trying to help. Not hurt them.