I haven’t spoken in a while about my involvement in the lifestyle or how my submission has been. I didn’t want to include this topic in my last post so I decided to seperate it into another entry.
Last night we went to TES to support Tats for her Rape Play meeting. She did a really great job and I know that everyone really enjoyed it. She had a packed meeting and I think there were alot of “boys” there who were drawn by her involvement from Rapture and the domming she’s doing. I thought that was really great. A lot of people got alot out of her thoughts and sharing. She’s a good speaker cause she shares enough of her own personal experiences and feelings on what she’s talking about that you come away feeling like someone else understands what you like or where you are coming from. Feeling like it’s ok to enjoy sex and bdsm and being kinky. I think that’s part of what makes her such a great bdsm speaker. ๐
I enjoyed the meeting. I got to sit next to Daddy during it and I enjoyed listing to everyone talk. I got a little uneasy near the end when someone asked about having someone around to help bulster you when the play is over and to help let you know that you aren’t bad for having these fantasies or that what you did was play and not something evil that you brought on yourself.
I don’t believe I’ve ever been raped. Once along long time ago I was making out with a boyfriend at the time. Somewhere along the line (I don’t remember much) I stopped wanting to do what we were doing. I remember telling him to stop and that I didn’t want to keep doing what we were doing. I even remember being so upset when it was over that I went and locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I remember apologizing outloud to another guy I was in love with but not dating over and over again. I don’t know why. I just remember saying it. I’ve never considered that rape. We were after all in the middle of getting in on when I changed my mind. I know alot of people would probably argue with it. I don’t really care to argue about it…but the reason I bring it up is that I never felt like this was a rape in the sense of simply not wanting any sexual involvement with the person at the time it happened.
Since then I’ve only had one other incident that’s occured on the edge of such a situation. Things stopped before they got out of hand but I can’t stop myself from going “maybe this was my fault. we did after all talk about a similar thing happeneing between us and so why are you shocked something like this is happening now.” This is what made me get a little upset near the end of the meeting last night. I got up to give Tat a hug right after her class ended and it was really nice. Daddy saw I was a little teary and gave me a hug too. I calmed down quickly enough. I’m mentioning it because I was a little surprised it took me off guard like that. I certainly don’t consider myself in the category as other people who’ve been attacked or violated. So I was a little taken aback that it got to me. Learn something everyday.
Later on during the circle I came back from a bathroom break and stopping to chat and knelt between the chairs of Daddy and Tat. It was a nice feeling. Daddy held my hand a little and put his arm around my shoulders later. It was a really great feeling. Very supportive, safe, owned. It’s some feelings I’ve been craving having for a while and only not had because life makes things like those moments take a back seat.
Last night was productive and good.