I have not tamed my Gremlin

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by

in

Gremlins…

What can we say about Gremlins but…they suck! I keep trying to imagine what my Gremlin looks like. It’s extremely good at hiding in the shadows. It’s part of why I like the picture at the top…I imagine that’s Scarab’s Gremlin creeping up behind her. You’d think it would be scared of the shiny blade covered in blood she has…but they never are. They are such cowards all coming at you from behind.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety attacks of the past weeks and I had attributed alot of it to my lack of meds. I don’t think it’s all meds cause they should be working by now. That only means one thing. It’s my fricken Gremlin. I spent some time last night attempting to learn how to control my Gremlin. I’m not in the part of the book yet that teaches me how to stop it really. Just notice it. And boy let me tell you …it chitters ALOT!

My Gremlin uses fear tactics and my lack of confidence in it’s pursuit of glee. Sometimes it takes comments that have been said to me and mimics them back in this twisted version to suit it’s goals. What pisses me off is that even though I am aware of what my Gremlin is doing…I can’t tune him out. I can’t make him shut up. And I can’t make him go away. Even now I imagine him sitting behind me scrubbing it’s hands together cackling with joy at the work it’s done.

How did I get on this Gremlin kick you might ask. Yesterday I decided that I should give Adam space. I am SO bad at giving people space. I can remember years ago, sitting at work worring over an issue I had with my bf at the time, desperately trying not to call him every five minutes. Generally I think if I can just talk to the person I’m worrying about, the worry will go away. It never does.

Anyway..since I knew that Adam sometimes prefers to be left alone when he’s sick…I decided I wouldn’t bug him. In a way this is good…he didn’t have me bugging him while he was trying to rest. And it shouldn’t kill me to go through a day and not talk to him. He’s told me he isn’t going anywhere and the rational part of my brain believes him. My gremlin btw is telling me even now that that could change at any minute so obviously what I should do is go get reassurance that it hasn’t in fact changed from the last time we talked. *rolling eyes* See why this Gremlin has got to go??

So to continue I decided to let him message me first. Again I can come up with a ton of good reasons for this plan of action. I don’t look needy. It gives him some time to miss “me”. He gets to rest uninteruppted. It shows I trust him and believe in him. It helps me get my own things accomplished and more…

I got to tell you…yesterday was one of the longest days I’ve spent in a while. The last three months have gone by quick. I think it was partially because I knew that at sometime during the day I’d get to talk to him. Since I was prepared to let him message me first which could have meant a few days (though rationally I’m going…do you really think he’d go a few days, not wondering why you haven’t tried to contact him?) it was hard.

I was however pretty proud of myself partially. I cleaned up the bedroom and picked up my desk. I vaccummed both rooms and watched 3 days of the Condor with Daddy and his Mom (not a bad movie btw). I got in a nap and I even worked out despite not really being in the mood to do so. And I hung out and watched some tv while I read and surfed the web on the laptop in the bedroom. I really like being able to get away from my desk sometimes.

Overall, I was fairly productive despite my Gremlin’s urging that if I just went to sleep time would fly and I would get to talk to Adam sooner. As a side note…I did get to talk to him and I did talk to him about some of this. Did I mention even sick, he’s a great guy?

So where does this leave us? It leaves us with a big honking Gremlin sitting at my back still. *sigh* I have more work to do but at least I’m working on it. It wants me to know that I shouldn’t put up this blog. That doing so will only PROVE to Adam and everyone else who reads this what a fricken nutcase I am and thus change the opinion everyone has of me from positive to negative, resulting in them running as far away from me as they can get. 

I’m rebuttling with the fact that part of why I wanted this blog in the first place is to help someone else who might be in the same boat. And shouldn’t that count for a positive point or two?